Turning Point

There comes a point in life when you must make a decision. A decision to keep going the way you are headed or the decision to try another route. Some call this “Rock Bottom”. Some call it “the fork in the road”. I call it my Turning Point. The point where I decided to turn from the life I had become so engulfed in, to the life I wanted to have. 

 "There comes a point in life when you must make a decision."           

I have been in church since I was young. My spiritual life was always full of ups and downs- of bouts where faith prevailed, and bouts of disbelief. Therefore, I always thought I identified with Peter (from the Bible). Peter loved God but constantly struggled with his ups and downs. I always envied those who had a Pauline experience. See Paul, formerly Saul, had a genuine turning point in his life where He experienced God, turned from his old ways and never looked back. With my dad being in recovery ministry, I often heard of these experiences. Experiences where God appeared to people, or saved people in the midst of death, or sobered people in an instant as they cried out to God! I think I longed for this experience for a long time. I had plenty of experiences where I felt God should have “showed up”, should have shown Himself to me, saved me, cured me, and sobered me. But He didn’t – so I thought.

I was mad at God for a long time. I was so mad that there were even several years that I denied His existence. In my heart, I knew He was there – but I was really, really, really pissed off at Him! I never understood the concept of grace. I had grown up trying to earn the love and affection of those around me by acting a certain way, speaking a certain way and looking a certain way. So logically, I applied the same principles to my faith. I went to youth group, church camp, discipleship class, Sunday school, read my Bible, prayed, and talked about God to others. In doing this, I expected God to honor me and make my life better. (FYI- God does not honor us, we are to honor Him) Well, my mutilated fairy tale did not get any better. In fact, it got worse and worse. In response, I became angry and bitter towards God and all that He had afflicted me with. I often found myself saying “Do you even know what you are doing up there?!”

So when did it change? And what exactly changed?

I wish I could pin point the date – but those days were so blurred for me. They all seemed to run together. With the combination of medications, liquor, insomnia and withdraw it’s a wonder I even held down a job during these times in my life. I may not be able to pin point the date (though it was somewhere between June-Sept of 2009) but I can pin point the moment. It was a moment where I had escaped death, again. It was the moment when I knew I could chose life, and if I did not at least try to do something different – I would surely end up where I had longed to be for so long.

                   "Why me?"

I struggled with thoughts of suicide for at least 12 years of my life. The life I grew up in was hard, to say the least. I often looked at the lives of others and wanted what they had. I used to ask God, “Why me?” As I hit my teen years my mind, emotions and actions really got out of control. I wanted my life to be different but had no idea how to change it, or if it would ever change. I often felt hopeless. The feeling of hopelessness led me to yearn to not be in this world anymore. I often cried to God and asked Him to take me. I told Him that there was NO WAY I could go through the rest of my life like this! This went on for years. I prayed for God to send a Holy bus to run me over (literally, this was my prayer). I cursed God that I had survived a horrible car accident when I was 17. My constant desire to die became so indwelled into my consciousness that I even had involuntary visions of myself dying in gruesome ways. And when I say involuntary, I mean involuntary. I could be standing in a crowd of people, not thinking of death at all, and suddenly be overcome with a vision of myself dying. I would be unresponsive to the people around me, turn pale, start sweating, sometimes tears would roll down my face and as I emerged back into reality I would become dizzy and nauseous. Needless to say, some of the people around me thought I was crazy - but so did I and so did the doctors.

One night, after drinking heavily and driving myself home in an intoxicated and sobbing state, my desire took hold of me. My ex-husband found me lying on the floor next to an empty bottle of pills. Obviously, I did not die that night. I can not say that I got my Pauline experience and that God showed Himself to me as I lie unconscious on the floor… but I can say that God let me know that next day that I had a choice to make. God had something planned for me. He had told me this many times in my life already. But I could not see the light that led to that path through all of the mess I had went through and was still going through. God revealed in my heart that I could either decide to live and see what He had in store for me, or I could die.

           "That was my Turning Point"

This was my turning point. I did not see angels or heaven or God himself. I did not in an instant entrust to Him everything or suddenly regain my sanity and my life turned perfect. I simply made a choice to see what God had for me. I made a choice that day to seek Him and asked Him to reveal Himself to me.

Maybe that is all you need to do today. Make the choice to seek Him. I promise that if you do, you will find Him. He will show Himself to you in all of His glory and change your life forever. The road is not easy, and He never said it would be. But it is worth it! Remember, nothing in life that is worth it is ever easy.

I hope in my continuing posts that I can show you how to seek Him. I know I had to have others pour into me and show me the way. I followed my own way for many years and never even got close to where I am now! God puts people in our lives to help us, so let them help you. Don’t try and do it alone!

Make today your Turning Point!