When I was 13 my family situation finally changed.
My mom and I were living out on our own again. This time she actually had a boyfriend that I liked! He was a really good guy and seemed to have a good head on his shoulders. We did lots of stuff together, like going to the beach and such. Everyone else seemed to like him too. It looked as if this was going to be a good thing…
Well- I guess it depends on what you think a good thing is. I guess you can say it turned out for the best, just not how we all thought it would turn out…
My mom’s new & loved boyfriend turned out to be an undercover cop. He busted her for using and selling methamphetamine. When my mom went to court the judge sentenced her to a year in jail or six months in a treatment facility. My mom took the six months and went off to treatment.
With my mom getting sent off to rehab, I was sent to go live with my dad. Which could have turned out badly if God had not recently intervened in my dad’s life and changed everything! My dad’s addiction finally got the best of him. Him and his wife were splitting up and my dad ended up homeless, living out of his car. My two half sisters were with their mom, but with her own addiction, she could not care for them so they were staying with their grandparents mostly. With my mom going off to rehab and my sister’s mother not able to take care of them, my dad knew he had to do something. He just did not know what, or how. He was such a mess- how could he raise three girls?
One night after using and drinking heavily, he had an argument with God. He was sleeping out of his car by the river and cried out to God. He asked God to help him and show him the way… instantly my dad was sobered! And since that night he has not touched anything.
My grandparents on my dad’s side helped my dad to get a place for us kids to live in. They helped my dad take his ex-wife to court and get custody of my two half-sisters. My dad began to take us to church regularly; he got involved in NA & AA and went from being the meth addict at work to starting the “Drug Free Club” at his factory. He took parenting classes and sought God to show him how to be a good dad. And he was! I don’t remember my dad going many places without us. We were always going to fairs, church events, parades, plays, camping, biking, etc. I even went with my dad to most of his NA & AA meetings. For the first time I had a functioning family and I was learning about the love of Jesus.
When my mom’s six months was up she returned home. My dad had only received temporary custody of me while my mom was in treatment. So when my mom returned I was expected to go back and live with her. I told my dad that I did not want to go back. He had a talk with my mom and she agreed to let me live with my dad. Well, that only lasted a week or so and then she decided that she wanted me to live with her. I told my dad that I did not want to stay with my mom and my dad was forced to take my mom to court to get custody of me. Since I was older, it was basically my choice. I met with a mediator and told him why I did not want to live with my mom and the life I had at my dad’s home. My dad was awarded custody.
My mom stopped using meth- but unfortunately she did not stop drinking. She began to replace her drug habit with her alcohol habit and turned into a full blown alcoholic. She stopped partying but instead became a depressed hermit. When I visited her she drank the whole time and we sat at home doing nothing.
Seeing how my dad changed and my mom could not, I became very bitter towards her. Why could he become a good dad but she could not become a good mom? My visits to her became less and less and for almost four years I rarely saw her at all.
In attending church on a regular basis I learned about the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. I accepted Jesus into my heart at a Wednesday night youth group and was baptized. While I saw that God had changed my dad’s life, and I knew He could change mine… I hadn’t the faintest idea of how to follow Him. I do not think my dad, or myself, understood the depths to which I was lost. As I said, I kept myself looking very normal on the surface. My initial impression of following God was Actions. I thought that if I read my Bible, went to youth group, church camp and discipleship, that God would make my life perfect. If I just did enough to be perfect for God, He would love me and take care of me.
Depression Shame Isolation
Suicidal Thoughts Rejection Alone
Scared Hopeless Trapped
Cry HELP ME
Anyone who has ever followed God in this way knows that it never works. While I tried my hardest to do all of the things I was suppose to do, my mind was still a mess. Shortly after I accepted Christ I began having bouts of depression and isolation. It was not long until I was having suicidal thoughts. All the while I still attended my church events with diligence, hoping God would see how good I was and HELP ME.
I struggled daily as an adolescent with depression and hopelessness. In thinking that God would save me if I did enough right actions; and then still struggling with suicidal thoughts… I began to think that God had rejected me. I already held a strong sense of rejection due to my parent’s decisions growing up. I constantly tried to be a good child for both of them, and they constantly picked drugs over me. So this boiled over into my relationship with God. I felt like He did not love me; that He was rejecting me; that I was not good enough.
All of these thoughts consumed me. My depression increased. I felt ashamed, scared, alone, hopeless and did not know how to change any of it.
My dad worked a lot of overtime to support three girls. He had no financial help from either of our mothers. I would take care of my sisters during the day. When my dad got home I often would retreat to my room to be alone. I spent many evenings by myself, trapped in my own head and dwelling on my thoughts. I cried myself to sleep many nights… Then I would awake, put a smile on my face and repeat the day.
“God… where are You?”
This will be the last of my Backlight posts. You should now have a glimpse into where I come from and how I got to Jesus. This is the point where many think that becuase I have accepted Jesus that things will get easier and better... well they get a lot harder from here. I am spiritually attacked and finding my way to God is like walking through barbed wire, blindfolded. God never says it will be easy, but it is always worth it! So my journey to becoming who Christ wants me to be begins here... with a prayer.
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