Dr. Phil states one of my favorite concepts about parenting. He states that children are a blank slate that we, as parents write on. What we write, with our words and actions, determine who our kids believe they are, what type of behavior they count acceptable, and who they will eventually become.
The problem is each of us have our own slates. And often, we simply transfer what is on our slate onto the slates of our children. Well, thats great if you have a slate full of positive, affirming and encouraging information on your slate. And not so good if you have a life full of shit that has been scratched and permanently scarred into your slate.
We are often told that when we receive Christ that he wipes our slate clean and we are made new. I partially agree with this statement. The problem with it is that this is made to seem like an overnight transformation, which it is not. The statement might be better grasped by saying that when we receive Christ he BEGINS THE PROCESS of wiping our slate clean and making us new.
When I surrendered everything to the Lord there were certain things he changed immediately. For example, my desire to end my life. God took that from me. There was no process, God just took it from me and I have never suffered from those thoughts again. On the other hand, there are still scratches on my slate. There are things He left me with, which He slowly repairs in me, filling in the scars and writing over them with His love and promises.
Parenting is one of the most scratched and scarred areas for me. I did not have parents when i was young, that encouraged me, spoke life into me, are affectionate towards me or that even spent a lot of time with me. Therefore, my reflection of parenting is labeled as "criticise," "discipline," "ignore," and "distance." This is my automatic, default parenting skills as this is what I was taught was "parenting."
Because of my past, I often get discouraged when I ask people how it is to be a mom and I hear, "oh, its the greatest!" or "Its the best thing ever!" My immediate thought is that there must be something wrong with me. Because if I'm honest, my response would be, "Its the hardest thing I've ever had to do." Being a mom does not come easily or even very naturally to me. I struggle, constantly. I probably have more bad days than good. I may not scream at them, but my thoughts tend to be more of annoyance and intolerance than of love and acceptance. And to me, that defines a bad day. Even if I don't voice it, I know that my inner thoughts control my body language, my looks, my attention. And kids are smart enough to pick up on those things. I am also a task oriented person and i often get consumed in what needs to be done rather than spending quality time with my children. I honestly can not recount that many moments where I laugh with my kids. I spend most of my time consumed with making sure they are brushing their teeth, doing their reading, chores, etc. And at the end of the day I sit back and know that I am not the "fun" parent. In all of this, my view of parenting becomes more of a chore than "the best thing ever!"
Yet in my struggle, I have been forced to rely on God every day- which is really a blessing in disguise. I don't know how to be a good mom and i struggle with it daily because I take it very seriously. I am, after all, responsible for the life of three human beings. What i do, say and how I act WILL effect them. I know this from my past experience and sometimes it places a lot of pressure on me. I know, and desire, to be more fun, more life-giving, more encouraging and more affectionate. The fact that i don't know how does not give me an excuse to remain the same. What it does require me to do is look to Jesus and learn how to be the parent that i am naturally incapable of being. Jesus had fun with children. He laughed with them, loved on them and taught them. Children flocked to Him and felt safe and cherished by Him. This is how I want my children to feel around me.
I often find when I begin my day by praying and submitting it to the Lord, my day goes a lot better. I pray that Jesus show me how to be a fun and loving parent. I pray that my thoughts and words will reflect that of encouragement, acceptance and love. I pray that He gives me tolerance and patience when dealing with difficult circumstances, which will surely come up. I tell God that this day is not mine with my children, but His and ask that he would work through me to communicate and reflect Christ to them. And it is amazing-when I do this my day goes so much easier. God does truly take over. I am able to let the little things go, laugh, praise and enjoy time with my kids. When I have a rough day I can usually look back and realize I didn't start my day by giving it to God. Without the Lord life becomes more difficult and I rely on those scratches and scars on my slate to direct me.
If you are like me, and parenting is difficult. You are not alone. Look to Jesus and lean on Him to show you how to be a good parent. What is written on your slate does not have to define what will be written on your children's slate. God can repair your scratches and write over them with the way of the Lord. You can break the cycle and your kids can have the childhood that you only dreamed of. It will not be easy. You will struggle. But your struggle is a worthwhile one, and God will always be there to guide, direct and love you through it.
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