Great sermon by Pastor Steven Furtick! Check out the entire series: Treatment @ www.elevationchurch.org
Treatment, Part 2: Depression: A New 24
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
TIM THURMAN'S BLOG: I Have Not Be Totally Honest With You
A good blog from someone else sharing their story for God. Enjoy!
TIM THURMAN'S BLOG: I Have Not Be Totally Honest With You
TIM THURMAN'S BLOG: I Have Not Be Totally Honest With You
Spiritual Warfare: The truth about the size of the opponents
There is an epic battle that has existed before the world began…
It still exists. We are born into this battle…
We can see the effects of this battle in the every day lives of people.
Be concerned; be aware; but do not be afraid – for there is One more powerful.
**The Truth About the Size of the Opponents**
Some of us Christians need to get a little Pentecostal in us!
Do you acknowledge the presence of evil that is in your daily life? Why not? It’s there. Trust me, its there whether you think about it or not. Demons do not die – they live & work in generation to generation. And Satan loves when Christians don’t think about him! He loves when we go on living as though there is not a spiritual battle going on. Why? Because one of the best ways to fight against an enemy is to know your enemy. After all, an army does not go into battle not knowing the strategies, weaknesses and strengths of their opponent. The best way to fight against the devil is to know his strategies; know what he will use to try and defeat you and know how to protect yourself against his schemes. But as we walk this earth daily, going about our business, not paying attention to the fact that evil and temptation surrounds us… we quietly ignore his presence. And in doing this we let our guard down. Satan is a master deceiver. He will creep into the smallest hole, make himself unnoticeable and attack without you even knowing it. Satan is patient. He will take his time and destroy you slowly. (Ever listen to that song It’s A Slow Fade by Casting Crowns? If not, go look it up… it’s a good explanation of how Satan works and is a warning to us all.)
While Satan is powerful, there is One more powerful than him… and that is God. So often we seem to see God as smaller than He is also. We thank God for the things we think He has done and we ask Him for help… but we often do not realize that God is in control. He is in control of EVERYTHING. He knows all the past, present and future. He knows everything you have ever done and thought. He also knows everything you will do in the future… every mistake you will ever make… in your whole life! He knows everything that is going on in the world at every given moment and hears everyone’s prayers. Not only that, but we as Christians have the power of the name of Jesus and have the Holy Spirit living inside us! Dwell on that for a minute…Do you know what that means? We have the power of Jesus’ name to revoke Satan and his demons. And we have the spirit of the Lord living inside us to guide and direct us. And yet, how often do you use what God has given you? How often do you use the name of Jesus? How often do you call upon the Holy Spirit? For me, I know I honestly do not as much as I should. God has given me these great gifts and I often do not even exercise them. I too often rely on myself… and when things get bad I finally decide to call on God. Too often He is my secondary and not my primary. We need to acknowledge the power of God, our need for Him and exercise the gifts, talents and powers that God provides for us through Him. We need to pray offensively. And we need to do this every day… every hour and every minute. Don’t turn God into your little pocket handy-man. Because the truth is, the devil is stronger than you. But God has given us His authority in order that we may overcome the attacks of Satan and his demons.
ACTION: Take a minute today to reflect.
How aware are you of the presence of evil in your life? Satan is always working. So where is he working in your life? Look at the evidence of evil in your life. Where does he attack you? Look at how you may have aided your enemy. How are you participating?
Pray offensively. Repent of sin, acknowledge Jesus as your savior and ask the Holy Spirit to be your protector. Pray against your weaknesses and ask the Holy Spirit to dwell inside you; closing and locking every window and door that you may have left open for attack. Proclaim the Name of Jesus and your power over the enemy as one who has the living God inside of them.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
I Accept You, Jesus... But I am Walking Blindfolded.
When I was 13 my family situation finally changed.
My mom and I were living out on our own again. This time she actually had a boyfriend that I liked! He was a really good guy and seemed to have a good head on his shoulders. We did lots of stuff together, like going to the beach and such. Everyone else seemed to like him too. It looked as if this was going to be a good thing…
Well- I guess it depends on what you think a good thing is. I guess you can say it turned out for the best, just not how we all thought it would turn out…
My mom’s new & loved boyfriend turned out to be an undercover cop. He busted her for using and selling methamphetamine. When my mom went to court the judge sentenced her to a year in jail or six months in a treatment facility. My mom took the six months and went off to treatment.
With my mom getting sent off to rehab, I was sent to go live with my dad. Which could have turned out badly if God had not recently intervened in my dad’s life and changed everything! My dad’s addiction finally got the best of him. Him and his wife were splitting up and my dad ended up homeless, living out of his car. My two half sisters were with their mom, but with her own addiction, she could not care for them so they were staying with their grandparents mostly. With my mom going off to rehab and my sister’s mother not able to take care of them, my dad knew he had to do something. He just did not know what, or how. He was such a mess- how could he raise three girls?
One night after using and drinking heavily, he had an argument with God. He was sleeping out of his car by the river and cried out to God. He asked God to help him and show him the way… instantly my dad was sobered! And since that night he has not touched anything.
My grandparents on my dad’s side helped my dad to get a place for us kids to live in. They helped my dad take his ex-wife to court and get custody of my two half-sisters. My dad began to take us to church regularly; he got involved in NA & AA and went from being the meth addict at work to starting the “Drug Free Club” at his factory. He took parenting classes and sought God to show him how to be a good dad. And he was! I don’t remember my dad going many places without us. We were always going to fairs, church events, parades, plays, camping, biking, etc. I even went with my dad to most of his NA & AA meetings. For the first time I had a functioning family and I was learning about the love of Jesus.
When my mom’s six months was up she returned home. My dad had only received temporary custody of me while my mom was in treatment. So when my mom returned I was expected to go back and live with her. I told my dad that I did not want to go back. He had a talk with my mom and she agreed to let me live with my dad. Well, that only lasted a week or so and then she decided that she wanted me to live with her. I told my dad that I did not want to stay with my mom and my dad was forced to take my mom to court to get custody of me. Since I was older, it was basically my choice. I met with a mediator and told him why I did not want to live with my mom and the life I had at my dad’s home. My dad was awarded custody.
My mom stopped using meth- but unfortunately she did not stop drinking. She began to replace her drug habit with her alcohol habit and turned into a full blown alcoholic. She stopped partying but instead became a depressed hermit. When I visited her she drank the whole time and we sat at home doing nothing.
Seeing how my dad changed and my mom could not, I became very bitter towards her. Why could he become a good dad but she could not become a good mom? My visits to her became less and less and for almost four years I rarely saw her at all.
In attending church on a regular basis I learned about the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. I accepted Jesus into my heart at a Wednesday night youth group and was baptized. While I saw that God had changed my dad’s life, and I knew He could change mine… I hadn’t the faintest idea of how to follow Him. I do not think my dad, or myself, understood the depths to which I was lost. As I said, I kept myself looking very normal on the surface. My initial impression of following God was Actions. I thought that if I read my Bible, went to youth group, church camp and discipleship, that God would make my life perfect. If I just did enough to be perfect for God, He would love me and take care of me.
Depression Shame Isolation
Suicidal Thoughts Rejection Alone
Scared Hopeless Trapped
Cry HELP ME
Anyone who has ever followed God in this way knows that it never works. While I tried my hardest to do all of the things I was suppose to do, my mind was still a mess. Shortly after I accepted Christ I began having bouts of depression and isolation. It was not long until I was having suicidal thoughts. All the while I still attended my church events with diligence, hoping God would see how good I was and HELP ME.
I struggled daily as an adolescent with depression and hopelessness. In thinking that God would save me if I did enough right actions; and then still struggling with suicidal thoughts… I began to think that God had rejected me. I already held a strong sense of rejection due to my parent’s decisions growing up. I constantly tried to be a good child for both of them, and they constantly picked drugs over me. So this boiled over into my relationship with God. I felt like He did not love me; that He was rejecting me; that I was not good enough.
All of these thoughts consumed me. My depression increased. I felt ashamed, scared, alone, hopeless and did not know how to change any of it.
My dad worked a lot of overtime to support three girls. He had no financial help from either of our mothers. I would take care of my sisters during the day. When my dad got home I often would retreat to my room to be alone. I spent many evenings by myself, trapped in my own head and dwelling on my thoughts. I cried myself to sleep many nights… Then I would awake, put a smile on my face and repeat the day.
“God… where are You?”
This will be the last of my Backlight posts. You should now have a glimpse into where I come from and how I got to Jesus. This is the point where many think that becuase I have accepted Jesus that things will get easier and better... well they get a lot harder from here. I am spiritually attacked and finding my way to God is like walking through barbed wire, blindfolded. God never says it will be easy, but it is always worth it! So my journey to becoming who Christ wants me to be begins here... with a prayer.
Monday, June 27, 2011
The Grass Was Not Greener On The Other Side...
So, Where was my daddy?
While I lived with my mother for 13 years, my father also had regular visitation of me. While my dad and I now have a great relationship, it was not always the case. My father also had a drug addiction and sold methamphetamine.
I will state that there was a difference between my mother’s drug problem and my father’s drug problem. My mother was addicted to drugs due to her trying to cope (or not cope) with what had happened to her in her childhood. She used drugs and alcohol to numb the pain and dull the memories. My mother’s side occupation of selling drugs was basically to sustain her own addiction. She sold because she used. My father on the other hand used because he sold. My dad did not have any deep underlying family issues or extremely traumatic situations to struggle through. My dad was simply raised as an Army brat who moved frequently and therefore had trouble making and maintaining friendships with others. When he realized that selling drugs made you popular and created easy friendships- he went with it. Now, if you sell drugs, you have to use them also. Otherwise people would think you were a nark, right? So my dad’s usage came from his frequency in the drug world and slowly took hold of his life before he knew it. It was a very slow and gradual decent into his rock bottom.
“My dad was good at selling…we had classic cars, motorcycles and tons of guns!”
My dad, unlike my mother, was good at the business aspect of selling narcotics. He kept himself fairly low key. I never remember crazy parties or random people coming in and out of my dad’s home. He held the same job for 16 years, rarely ever moved homes, never ran with a gang, did not have tattoos and, for the most part, stayed out of jail. If someone ever needed to be “taken care of” (for owing money or such), my dad had guys who did that for him. My dad spent his “side-job” money on extravagant things. He always had classic cars, tons of custom bikes and lots of guns. We kids always had the newest bicycles, latest toys and he even bought me a dog from Europe one time.
Even though my dad was a functioning drug addict, it was not always the lesser evil of the two options. My dad’s home was full of chaos also- because of his bad choice in women.
After my mom and dad divorced my dad started dating my mom’s best friends, little sister. She was younger than my dad and HOT- according to everyone. Her dad was also the corrupt Chief of Police in the city my dad lived in. Which I think kept the law off my dad’s back. She had a son from a previous marriage and within three years they had two girls together. Finally they decided to get married when I was around five. I don’t think I cared much for her because I’m not smiling in any of the wedding pictures.
After they got married, my dad’s wife drug addiction got really heavy. With a constant available supply it was not long before the using consumed her. My dad tried to cut her down… but if you have ever took meth away from a meth head, you know that it is never good. A meth addict who doesn’t have their meth becomes really angry. Therefore, violence started occurring in the house on a regular basis. My dad’s wife would scream, throw things & attack my dad right in front of us kids. I was the oldest and would often grab the other three and take them outside when the fights would start. One time she came after my dad with a butcher knife and when the police showed up they took my dad to jail. While he was locked up, she proceeded to sell all of his items so she could get her drug money. (I think my dad hid his money from her).
The chaos in my dad’s home gradually got worse and worse. I had many traumatic experiences there even though I did not live there on a regular basis. I had a very big imagination as a kid…which is not necessarily a bad thing- as long as your big imagination is not fueled by insecurity, fear, anxiety & contributions from your crazy parents!
Fear of Freddy…
While my dad and his wife did drugs my babysitter was often the TV… which may not have been so bad if Sponge Bob-Square Pants was on. But my dad’s wife had an obsession with the movie Nightmare on Elm Street, and therefore I was forced to sit and watch the horror movie by myself while the adults entertained themselves. This caused me to have an Extreme fear of the movie and of the dark. Until about a year ago I could not even say the name of the movie and if I even heard someone speak of it I would have nightmares for several nights. I am still not the best in the dark. If I am alone I have to have a light on to sleep.
Paranoia…
As my dad’s addiction got worse there was a lot of paranoia. The two of them would always talk about people following us and tapping into our phone lines. I don’t think they knew this affected me but it did. I became very paranoid myself. Even when I was not with them, I would constantly feel like someone was following me. At school lunch time I would sit and look out the big glass windows at the quiet country street outside. As I ate lunch I would watch the cars and sometimes I would think I saw the same car pass by over and over. I would think “They are trying to find me…” I would watch the cars travel behind the bus to make sure none were following me home and as I walked a mile from my bus stop to my house I constantly looked behind me. I would often switch up my routes home. I had three different routes: The street, which had lots of houses, trees and building to hide behind; The lake, which had a very open sandy area where I could see everything around me; and the levee, which had the river on one side and was higher than the street on the other… so I could look down and make sure no one was around me. Sometimes I would not even get off at my bus stop; I would go with my friend, who was the next stop, get off with her, walk to her house, then make her brother row me across the river in their little boat and then I would walk the levee home from there.
An unseen world…
At one point in my dad’s wife’s addiction she began to see and hear things. She heard voices in her head telling her to do things. She began to see terrible things also. Any time she climbed onto a chair or stool she would start screaming, saying she saw HELL beneath her. She would also have nightmares and when she awoke she would see a demon sitting on her stomach looking at her. She would scream and cry and get angry very often. With all of this going on, my own paranoia went from thinking there was someone following me to thinking there was something following me. My fear of the dark got worse. I often thought there were things under my bed or watching me from outside my window. Even during the day I would think things were watching me and following me. At this point I was not that young either- I was about 10 or 11. I ended up meeting a girl in school who felt similar to me. Being very frightened and wanting to get rid of the feelings- her and I started exploring ways we could protect ourselves. We tried an Ouija board, which I do not EVER recommend doing! Eventually we ended up messing around with some magic and studying witchcraft. I also did a lot of studying on demons and angels and on the war of the unseen world. I thought in my research and experimentation maybe I could gain some power over what ever I thought was around me. I can say that none of this helped me to feel more safe or secure. In fact, it made things worse and made me more aware of the spiritual world than I ever needed to be.
“I was an internal mess!”
With all of the insecurity, fear, madness, sickness and violence at my mothers home, coupled with the anxiety, paranoia & fear at my dad’s home- I was an internal mess as a child. I say internal because most of my suffering could not be seen from the outside. On the outside I seemed to cope with the chaos around me very well. I held good grades, I was a nice kid, I listened well to authorities in my life, I was creative and artistic, I held my emotions well, seemed very mature for my age and had a generally liked and attractive personality. The only way my inner struggles manifested themselves on the surface was that I struggled with severe headaches since I was around six. The stress of maintaining an outside wellness, while hiding my inner sickness, would often create hours of pain in the form of a headache.
All of this would contribute to the struggle I would face in my adult life to control my mind and emotions. The battle in my mind would become the wall that would separate me from my God given purpose for so long. But God was still with me… and would eventually teach me how to have peace and eliminate madness.
Friday, June 24, 2011
MATTHEW BARNETT: OBLITERATE SHAME
MATTHEW BARNETT: OBLITERATE SHAME
This is a great blog by Matthew Barnett on the effects of Shame and how we as the people of God are to treat others. I dealt with shame for many years of my life. Shame is a life sucking virus that leaves no room for the grace of God. We must obliterate shame in order to reach those who are far from the Lord.
Read and enjoy...
This is a great blog by Matthew Barnett on the effects of Shame and how we as the people of God are to treat others. I dealt with shame for many years of my life. Shame is a life sucking virus that leaves no room for the grace of God. We must obliterate shame in order to reach those who are far from the Lord.
Read and enjoy...
Friday, June 17, 2011
I Emerged From The Black Hole That Was My Life
Where I come from does not define who I am-
If you have ever studied psychology, you will learn that people often turn out in the same way they were raised. Being raised by a drug addict increases your chances of becoming an addict yourself. Often, those abused become the abusers and those abused sexually by someone of the same sex, become homosexuals. If you come from a broken home, you are more likely to have a broken home- and so on and so on. If you look at the statistics, this is the norm. There are very few people who escape the generational curses that surround them. The way your are raised, the values you consume and the people you are surrounded with will decide the way you will live your life.
However, there is One who can change you! There is One who can teach you a new way. He can teach you a way that will turn you from all you ever knew and give you a life you never thought you could have.
I feel I must give you a backlight into my life as I have defied the statistics. I have not done everything right and I can not say I have not repeated many of the behaviors I witnessed growing up. But I can say that I have a God who has changed me from the inside out and who has shown me the way to live life. I did not have many examples to follow, but I discovered a God who could guide me and help me to become the person I wanted to be.
So here is my history… this is where I come from.
Part 1: 13 years in the Desert.
I come from a family plagued with generational curses. Some of them I have broken, some of them I repeated my self. They include divorce, drug & alcohol addiction, poor money management, physical abuse, sexual abuse, incest, homosexuality, mental disorders and suicide – to name a few. From a young age my life was filled with chaos and uncertainty.
My parents divorced when I was three. I grew up in the central valley of CA, which produced 80% of the United States
Chaos Confusion Drugs
Sex Violence Isolation
My mother was very unstable. She never held a job for long. I remember one fast food place she worked in because she would bring me to work with her. I would sit in the back office with my feet up in a chair as the cockroaches ran around. We moved constantly. Often we lived with my grandmother – but my mom would get a new job so she would want to move out. So we would move out for a while, then something would happen and we would move back to my grandma’s. My mom always had different boyfriends. Two of my favorites being the one who slept with my moms sister and got her pregnant and the one who used to beat my mom in front of me on a regular basis.
“I had to call 911..” I had to call 911 when I was 8 on him because he was pulling my mom up the stairs and was going to throw her out of our two story window. My mom frequently drug me to her parties. I remember many nights sitting awake in some strangers house listening to what was going on in the next rooms (which was never anything good. Drugs, alcohol and promiscuity are things a child should not be exposed to). I also remember many times having to help people carry my mom to a car so someone could drive us home. She often became belligerent when she was drunk and was yelling and screaming… or she was sobbing uncontrollably. She rarely ever was a “fun drunk.” There were many people in and out of my life and my home growing up. As I said, my mom used and sold drugs, so there were always new faces and missing faces. My mom was obviously not very good at the business aspect of selling- because we were always poor. She was on welfare and food stamps, I got free lunch, wore clothes from yard sales and always had shoes that were too small for me. We often lived in one bedroom homes or apartments where one of our bedrooms was in the living room.
Abuse Drugs Madness Homosexuality Suicide Jail AIDS
Rejection Alone
My grandmother’s home was slightly more stable. I did have my own room and she had a fairly big modular home with a good sized back yard. When we were living at my grandmother’s, I did not have to go to the parties with my mom. But I hardly ever remember my mom even being at home. My grandma did her best to take care of me but she was sick for many years. From around six years old, I would put myself to bed at 8pm, set my own alarm, get myself ready for school, make my own breakfast, walk a mile to the bus stop to get to school, etc. I pretty much took care of myself all of the time.
“I may have been exempt from parties… but I was exposed to something even worse- MY FAMILY.”
Also, I may have been exempt from parties while living with my grandmother, but I was exposed to something even worse – my family. My grandma was the glue that held my mothers side of the family together. She not only took in my mom and I when we were homeless, but she had six other kids that were constantly moving in and out. And to put it lightly…my mother’s side of the family is a friggin’ mess! My mom has four older brothers and two younger sisters. I will not name them but will communicate them by the first letter of their names.
Also, I can say there is a very logical reason why every member of the entire family is so messed up, but I am not at liberty to post this information for public display at this time.
The most stable of the seven would have to be my eldest uncle, uncle J. Uncle J was married at one point and had a son- then he discovered he was gay, divorced his wife and has been with men ever since. Before he found his long-term life-partner, he contracted AIDS and has lived several years with the disease. He has actually had the same boyfriend since I was little and it is probably the longest, most stable relationship I have witnessed in my family (even though it is a sinful relationship). Of the other brothers, uncle R is a very angry alcoholic, known to abuse women and also has bouts with cocaine addiction. Uncle R frequently gets clean & relapses. When he is clean & sober he is a pretty awesome person, and when he is using no one wants him around. Uncle D is a bisexual, drug addict with HIV. He is addicted to methamphetamine, has a son (who I believe also has HIV that was contracted at birth) and used to molest my cousin when we were younger. He used to sleep with some 80 year old man when he was in his 30’s who would provide him with a nice place to live in SoCal, nice cars and lots of money. Uncle D sees nothing wrong with his lifestyle or his choices. He is probably the most demented one of them all and I was lucky enough to never be left alone with him when I was younger. Uncle B committed suicide via heroin one month after my grandma died. He had actually been clean for quite some time when he overdosed. I think the death of his father, followed by the death of my grandmother two months later put him over the edge. When I was growing up uncle B was a drug addict who was frequently in and out of jail. He used to transport drugs into the jail/prisons by hiding the product… well I’m sure you can guess where. From what I understand he also had sexual relations with my aunt B for many years- even though he was married. My mother was the eldest of the three girls and often was their protector and savior from a lot of the horrible things that went on when they were growing up. This makes me think she most likely took the brunt of most of the abuse in order to protect them. However, she is over five years older than both of them and moved out early on. Leaving them to try and cope with things they had probably been protected from for years. My aunt C is the next eldest under my mom. Aunt C is a lesbian with bipolar disorder I. She often goes on and off of her medication. When she is not medicated she has delusions where she thinks she is different people or is in different places and or different eras of time. When she is unstable you can find her on a street corner of Modesto , CA
I lived with my mother for 13 years of my life.
This was my family.
These were the people I celebrated birthdays with, Christmas and Thanksgiving with. These were the people I had as “examples” in my life.
My grandma often tried to distance and protect me from the family. My grandmother, though good to me, was a very judgmental person. So you can imagine how she felt about the path that her children had taken. Many of them often complained about her criticism. However, my grandma was very different towards me. She often spoke words of encouragement and praise to me. She spent time with me as she could, loved me and always believed the best in me. But it seemed I was an isolated case. She did not even act this way towards my cousin A, who was only hours younger than me. And as far as I know she hardly communicated with any of my other cousins. The difference in treatment between me and my aunts, uncles, and cousins caused a lot of tension between me and my mother’s side of the family. My aunt C voiced her opinions most and directed her resentment towards me often. I was kind of an outcast from the family- though that was probably not a bad thing.
I don’t know how it is He look at me and saw the person I could be- not the person I was likely to become.
I thank God every day that he has provided me the opportunity NOT to live life as I learned it, but to live life as He designed it. Becuase of Him I will experience something that I never thought i could- a life I never thought that I could have. This right is not reserved for me alone. God can change and renew the lives of anyone who wishes to follow Him. I encourage you... if you want something different- something more- something better... give Him a chance! It is worth it!
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